Wednesday, May 12, 2010
On Dying Alone
Today my mother called me a raging bitch. Well not exactly. But that’s how I took it. I was perfectly content wallowing in a tub of self-loathing and self-pity for my soulmate-less state. Who asked her for advice? She “tried to help” by telling me that maybe I am too smart for my own good and that I make men feel inferior. Talk about a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard ‘one.
My mother’s exact verbiage implied that my hyper-intelligent and overly intense personality, coupled with my inability to keep my mouth shut about my controversial opinions intimidates people by making them feel unintelligent and inferior. In further Freudian psychoanalysis, I was informed that I systematically alienate people because I have a fear of rejection. I took this to mean that I am essentially a raging bitch who can’t leave well enough alone and who likes nothing more than to belittle, insult and demean by so-called friends in an attempt to alienate myself from society and live out the rest of my days in self-imposed isolation. Ok so maybe that’s a bit melodramatic. But then again I suppose I am just being true to my personality – a uber-intelligent, slightly crazy, hermitic writer who everyone loves to hate. I’ll toast to that. Here’s to living out my days with nothing more than my red wine and laptop for company.
If I am to understand correctly, my dear old mum utilizes the following algorithm to reach the conclusion that I am a raging bitch who is destined to live my life alone. It is given that I am very intelligent, very opinioned and completely unafraid of voicing these insight and opinions. It is also given that I have been very deeply hurt (read: royally fucked over) by people who I thought were my friends. It is also given that because of this I have lost my general faith in humanity, love and common decency. By the way, that’s the adult version of finding out that there is no Santa Claus.
Mom concludes that I subconsciously use my intelligence, intensity and strong opinions to push people away to avoid loss and rejection. After all, I wouldn’t want to find out there is no Tooth Fairy or no Easter Bunny.
Which brings me to a post-feminist rant outlined in a series of clichéd, rhetorical questions. Since when did it become unacceptable to unabashedly voice one’s opinions no matter how controversial or unpopular they might be? Since when did intelligence become a roadblock to the acquisition of male companionship? Since when did making intelligent and truthful observations, in spite of any discomfort that they might bring listeners, make someone disagreeable to be around? Since when did standing up for yourself equal a lifetime of loneliness? And aren’t we all alone in the end anyway?
The way I see it, we all end up alone and I’d rather do it with some dignity and aplomb. Certainly we can bend ourselves like a Gumby Doll to fit the whims and fancies those we “love.” Perhaps this allows us to find The One and live Happily Ever After. Until, that is, we wake up one day, forty years from now, utterly alone in a room crowded with people. When we realize that those around us only love the self-created, cellophane wrapper of a person we realize that we are more alone than ever. Alternatively, if we stick to who we are, no matter how disagreeable that person might be in her utter authenticity, we realize that no one really wants to be around that person. At least not for this social time construct known as forever. And so we wake up forty years from now, utterly alone in an boho chic apartment with an English Bulldog named Charlie and a bottle of Tanqueray. Either way, we’re alone. Pick your poison I suppose. I’d rather be a lonely raging bitch who stood up for myself every second, refused to sell out and had a damn good time throughout it all.