Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Metaphysical Musings on Love, Loss and Life (In the Valley of the Sun)
On an airplane to Cleveland an old man, a laid-off Ford autoworker started talking to me. He smelled like Skoal and his voice was itchy, like Velcro. I didn’t ask for advice, but he felt compelled to give it. And it has stuck with me ever since. He said, “Find someone to love. And live everyday as if it was your last.”
So here’s my half-assed effort at honesty. If you’re reading this, that means I got the courage up to send it. So congratulations to me. I don’t really know how to start. So I’ll just say it. I met someone. I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t expecting it. It just hit me. He said one thing and I said another and the next thing I know, I wanted to spend forever in the middle of that conversation. He’s slightly crazy, and highly neurotic.
And he’s you. And he’s nothing like you.
And I don’t know what’s going on with us and I don’t know how to be with you. And I know that you sure as hell don’t know how to be with me. And that scares the shit out of me. Because it’s a big, bad world out there, with lots of twists and turns and hurt. And people have a tendency to blink and miss the moment. The moment that could have changed everything. And I guess that’s the leap of faith we all have to take at some time. Into that great unknown that could make all the difference.
And that scares the shit out of me too. Because I can’t be with you but I’m scared that if I’m not we’ll get lost out there.
So big deal. I fell in love. You touched a place deeper than I thought anyone was capable of reaching. And I thought you were my soul mate. And you probably were. But the problem is that people think that your soul mate is your perfect fit, and that it’s forever. But a true soul mate is nothing more than a mirror. The person who shows you everything that’s holding you back. The person who smacks you hard across the face so that you finally realize who the fuck you really are. They are the person who wakes you up so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.
But to live with a soul mate forever. No way. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another later of yourself and then they leave. And thank God for that. Because your purpose was to shake me up a bit, drive me out of a relationship that wasn’t good for me, tear apart my ego a little bit, show me my obstacles and addictions, break my heart open so new light could get in, make me so desperate and out of control that I had to transform my life.
And thank God for this wonderful asshole of a soul mate. He taught me that I’m stronger. Stronger than shit. I learned that I have the strength to defy my own expectations. I have the strength pick my carcass of a self back up after the biggest blow of my life. I learned that I can go places. And it’s because I had nothing left to lose. And that’s freedom. And since it couldn’t get much worse, I might as well sack up and jump of that huge old cliff of terrifying into the abyss of unknown. And holy shit guess what? I came out on top. And I learned that everyone hurts. And everyone has been fucked over. And everyone has baggage. And bull shit. And I’m not alone.
That was your job. To show me who I really was. And to force me to stop being this asshole that I wasn’t. And you rocked the shit out of it. And now it’s over. And at times it might seem like a cruel and sinister world. But really, what might appear to me a series of unfortunate events is really the beginning of something grand and extraordinary.
So good luck out there. If I see you at the end of it all, I hope you come bearing a six-pack and a bag of good stories. If not, I guess it just wasn’t in this deck of cards. Just remember, always know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.